I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
