The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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