ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Randomize
