'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
