you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
