Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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