The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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