I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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