I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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