So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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