just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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