He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
