90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
