thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
