I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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