Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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