I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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