i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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