Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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