we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
