I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
