i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
