We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
