we have pet lesbian snakes
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
