I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So apparently I’m into choking now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
