Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.