hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.