When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
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I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.