I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
