She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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