mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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