Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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