my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
