all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
