I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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