worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
time to smoke my breakfast
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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