I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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