Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
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So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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