Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
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My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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