They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
