Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
