Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
