I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
