I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
