i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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