you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
