I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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