Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
