I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
