No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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