Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
