Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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