so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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