I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
