Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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