You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
