When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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